maandag 30 juni 2008

WAN-KING-DIK and his Merry ol attacking Buzzards

Life is full of bitchy surprises and this little story will prove my point.

Now you're all wondering what happened to the Chinese, half - starved, earthquake victim, broken rickshaw puller who showed that the world still needs good Samaritans and saved ST. Jagged from extinction (for you non - informed, global, and mega - million new readers of this crap, the Chinese, half starved, bla,bla, appeared out of one of St.Jagged's fata - morganas and has never been mentioned again, read MAGGOT Blog arseholes!!!).

Well he is alive and well and St.Jagged and his merry ol shaggers have adopted the Chinky, half starved (well you all know by now!) and gave him a name, a roof over his rickshaw, 10% of all earnings earnt, pulling rich, fat and very greasy tourists from A to fucking B, a clean bed (apart from one or two domestic pets, hygienic toilet with Euroshopper burn your arse toilet paper (unknown in China), 1 square meal a day, 4 x praying in the direction of the almighty Allah, holy carpet an all! Sex with a slit eyed prostitute once a year (we show all sentiments here towards homesickness hence the slit eyed prostitute, come pole dancer, stripper, and toilet lady, no costs spared at Jagged Edge Publications!).

He is also allowed to kiss St.Jagged's feet once a month, clean the horseless stables ("what the fuck are you on about St.Jagged," St Jagged's innerconscience awakes, reads the shit being written and confronts St.Jagged with a Samurai sword, Kill Bill massacre, a Kung Fu kick in the bollocks and a reminder that these blog pages are only for serious fucking matters a la George Bush, etc.) read THE SUN, THE MIRROR, THE DAILY EXPRESS and all the rest of those intellectual demanding dailies, and sleep for a luxurious 2 solid hours a day.

The half - starved (fuck off) has shown his appreciation of these more then comfortable and pleasant working conditions by expressing, on a daily basis, how much better it is in the Maggot World than his past existence. Working for Mao Tse Tung's government as a rickshaw driver in the Great Palace, pulling the rest of the fat, muvva fucking, Chinese communist leaders from their boudouirs to the dining room, to the marbled halls of parlament, to their concubines, to their fast food restaurants, back to their boudouirs for a quicky with one of their real wives and then back to bed for a 14 hour sleep. All of that on a payment of a bowl of cold, white, stodgy rice, two ex - communist chinese, over inflated yen (roughly 10 pence!) a kick in the crutch for the effort and once a year a shag with a soon to be slaughtered pig before it was devoured by the fatty, chinese, communist leaders for the Chinese new year (have things actually changed by the way?).

"St.Jagged you are a fucking humane person and should be recommended for the Nobel Peace Prize alongside Nelson ol boy, Muvva Teresa, Ghandi, Ronald Reagen, Tony Blair, Hitler, Stalin, Pinochet and last not least poor ol impeached Georgie Porgie".

"Innerconscience, fuck off."

Anyway the moral of this pathetic load of old crap is: Brad Pitt, Angela Jolie, Madonna, and all of the other wannabe do - gooders, fuck off. St.Jagged leads the way in adopting the poor, starved, aids infested, poverty stricken, earthquake, Tsunami, volcanic eruption, mass flooding, typhoon, monsoon, hurricane, innocent war refugee, victims.

His Chinese, half - starved, broken rickshaw puller has a home, a future, a clean (well nearly clean, shared by cockroaches and other exotic beasts, bed bugs etc.) bed, a more than generous 10% of all of his earnings, after taxes (collected by St.Jagged, of course) and last not least a passport with his very own name in it. After many discussions amongst the merry ol shaggers we came up with a very proud, Chinese traditional and very distinctive name for our half - starved (fuck off!) he is now a born again baptised worshipper (Christian of course, forced to convert from Islam after having to pray four times a day to Allah on his knees and he could not pull his rickshaw anymore, everybody say aah!) with the following name (no not fucking boy named Sue, great song Johnny "Man in Black" Cash):

WAN - KING - DIK pronounced in good ol Mandarinese "THANKKINDIK", St.Jagged fluently speaks 5000 regional versions of the Chinese language (clever bastard) including TAWAINESE ( dare to speak this version on the mainland and you could receive a 500 year prison sentence, 60,000 whiplashes, get your head chopped off by the local Mandarine Mayor in one, ice cold, foul swoop, or spend the rest of your life building Olympic stadiums for usage after the Shambolympics has left China so that the stadiums can be be converted to torture revolutionaries by running them over with military tanks, "thankyou Chile, Argentina and Brazil for the advice.")

St.Jagged was originally going to write about the dangers of jogging (or sport generally) through your local forests and getting attacked by Buzzards protecting their nesting babies, but I thought this story was too far fetched and far from the TRUTH (yes, that's what we tell here you know~!) and nobody would believe it, so I stuck to the real TRUTH!

St.Jagged and his new found slave (no coloured racist comments here, we are all one big, shiny, happy, human being family), WAN-KING-DIK and his earthquake damaged rickshaw wish you all a pleasant jog and beware of the Buzzards!



maandag 16 juni 2008

Impeachment of our pure and pristine Georgie Porgie Boy

After recovering from the ghastly maggot experience and returning to the warmth and protection of these fabulous blog pages St Jagged has recovered enough to continue his cynical, critical, satirical, sarcastic, momentous, world shattering, crap, revolution in the name of the TRUTH.

The damaged, retarded braincells are recovering rapidly enhanced by a diet of insects, lavae, bugs, worms, termites, etc, (all products mentioned are offered on free trial c.o. Aborigine Exports, left side of the Australian outback, indiginous Avenue, somewhere in the desert and as far away from all "Australian Immigrants" (especially those without thick black noses, ugly hairstyles, rotting teeth and poor as a church mouse), Termite/Scorpion Infested Valley, Australia, top fucking adress by the way, no shortage of swimming pools, luxury barbacues, and beach villas here you know!) and St.Jagged is fit enough to comment once more on the world shattering, shocking news relating to the above mentioned title.

Surprise, fucking surprise, Georgie Porgie is about to be impeached for the following crimes to humanity and St.Jagged quotes:

  • Genocide (Georgie is now an honorary member of the following, exclusive club of genocidal perbetrators including: Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Roman Emperors, Chairman Mao, Japanese Emperors, Idi Amin, Robert Mugawe, Pinochet, Argentinian / Brazilian Generals, African Dictators, the list is fucking endless! )

  • Unlawful invasions of innocent countries.

  • Corruption ("so what's new St.Jagged you wanker" comment from St.Jagged's innerconscience recovering also on a diet of junk food, booze and group sex).

  • Wishing to start wars against Iran, Pakistan, Iceland (reason, he can't stand Bjorks horrendous fucking singing).

  • Allowing terrorist attacks in his own country i.e. Twin towers, etc.

  • Allowing terrorist attacks all over the fucking planet!

  • Feeding terrorist groups with illegal weapons (and grabbing 20% of the takings).

  • Allowing Israel to bombard the Palestinians with impunity supported by his Jiddish financial supporters who own 3/4 of the worlds capital.

  • Letting Robert Mugawe get away with corruption, genocide, holocausting in one of his favourite holiday spots, shiny, happy Zimbabwe.

  • Supporting Russian mafia bosses in their war against legality, correctness, honesty, democracy, common decency, wealth and prosperity for the majority and not just for the mafia bosses (Lenin will be turning in his fucking grave a thousand times over, rock on communism, socialism and the rest of the bullshit).

  • Supporting President Putin and his mafia cronies in the fight for and keeping power whilst ridding Russia of all decent Russians by making them so poor that they will all either starve or freeze to death!

  • Supporting President Putin in making Moscow the city with the most muvva - fucking corrupt multi-millionares and enjoying the same life - style as Georgie boy.

  • Support China and their communist regime (ha fucking ha!) in hosting the Shambolympics, becoming an emerging world power, conquering the world with their version of communism/capitalism (they're all fucking corrupt anyway!).

  • Leaving Japan to stare enviously at China's rise in power and feeding Japan with weapons just in case the Chinks want revenge for all of the atrocities that the Japanese dished out to the Chinks in the second world war!

  • Illegally keeping Iraqi prisoners in Guantanamo Bay prison camp, torturing/beating them, keeping them in solitary confinement, blindfolding them, keeping them in chains, in fact everything that Hitler can do, Georgie can do better!

I'll leave the list open so you avid Jagged readers can freely add some more crimes against humanity to Georgies list.

I would like to attempt to make a list of good, positive and Christian things that Georgie has achieved, but sorry, St.Jagged cannot think of any, oh yeah just one:

The muvva fucker has reached his termination, he will now go on to host dinner parties for the rich and famous (10 grand a word), write a fabulous biography, tell the world how fantastic he is, was and still will be in the eyes of all Christian do - gooding Americans. Drink so much Champagne, stuff his face with tons of pate de foie, roll over and fucking DIE!!

We will all sit back, accept the way humanity idolises these wankers, vote for them all and in doing so, push the planet further to the edge of human extinction, destruction and then wake up with a big fucking bang (hopefully it's Haley's Comet out of control and heading earthwards !!)

Goodbye from St.Jagged (on his way to vote for St.Jagged, me myself and I , schizo bastard!)

zondag 1 juni 2008

Maggot infested planet,

Yummy, Yummy, Jaggedone's welcome to the maggot show!

The dark heavy dungeon door has just been opened, sunbeams pierce through the cracks of my swollen eyelids and St. Jagged breathes fresh air for the first time since his last immortal blog. The interrogation by Aljazeera spies dressed as Taliban warriors (deflecting the TRUTH) and dark, deep, incarceration (solidarity for Nelson Mandella, now St.Jagged really knows what he went through!) is, thank god, over and freedom stands before me.

The stench of sweat, urine and crap coats my body as I am marched to the pearly gates of freedom, covered in puss secreting wounds, bruises and maggots devouring my outer layings. (skin, for the ignorant muvva fuckers amongst you!)

Chinese drip torture, electro - shocks, whippings, beatings, hot needles in my dick, and every other single method of brainwashing utilised to defeat the rebel - animal within, St .Jagged only wished to tell the TRUTH! ("don't mention the forbidden word, you haven't been released yet", St.Jagged's inner - conscience warns and tells him to shut the fucking hell up, this shithole of a dungeon is really pissing St.Jagged's inner - conscience off, no sex, no drugs, no rock and roll!)

St.Jagged, the broken, defeated one, reaching his ultimate "Karma"(fuck off Sharon Stone and Buddhist monks!) after being tortured into relinquishing his title as the one and only "Crusader of the TRUTH" (they certainly did a thorough fucking job Tali and Co!)

St.Jagged, desperately crawls through the pearly gates of freedom (given a final, fucking kick in the butt by the "in - disguise", "incognito", spies of Aljazeera Int.), he turns, sniggers (no not niggers, racist bastards!) smiles a cynical smile towards his captives, raises his hand and shoves his defiant middel finger right up their arses.

Nothing and nobody can defeat the "Crusader of TRUTH," no, not even Aljazeera Int. and their (dressed as Taliban warriors), spies could spike the cannons of St.Jagged and his merry ol shaggers! A white light shines as St.Jagged drags himself defiantly up on his battered and scarred legs. The crusade, the war, the revolution, will never be defeated and will continue!!
The prison gates disappear thinly into the foggy distance and St.Jagged limps towards a 99 bus parked up outside Macdonalds, he refuses to be tempted to eat the crappy, fast food on offer (the maggots increase their biting, sucking intensity whilst sniffing the gorgeous aromas drifting thorugh the air outside of this fast - food craphole!) and jumps on the bus with only one desire to return to his Mrs. Jaggedone and fuck his brains out after such a long period of dark, sexless, solitary detention.

The bus driver asks for his ticket, St.Jagged begs for mercy and a free trip to the "Jagged Residence," the bus driver tells him to FUCK OFF, have a wash and get a life (the stench increases by the second!) (back to reality!).

Saviour in the form of a skinny, half-starved Chinese (earthquake victim) pulling a broken - wheeled, earthquake damaged rickshaw (is that spelt correct, fucking spelling!), he approaches the stinking, maggot filled leftover corpse of the once proud ST.Jagged and offers him a lift into town.

ST.Jagged crumbles to his knees and kisses the feet of the skinny, half-starved, bla, bla, bla and the half -starved, skinny, bla, bla, bla, lifts St.Jagged into his broken - wheeled, earthquake damaged rickshaw pointed in the direction of town.

They proceed with their journey towards, ultimate destiny, Karma, what is, what will be or what, fucking, ever was.

Stinking, stench ridden St.Jagged, half -starved, skinny Chinese rickshaw slave, enter the outskirts of the famous, once proud metropole and are confronted with hairy, fat, greasy, creepy, crawly MAGGOTS (overdosed on Macdonalds hamburgers and scraps of disgusting KFC leftovers).

Devouring and scavenging off of the left - over cancerous wounds of a once, modern, hi -tec, rich and famous society, dynasty, empire ("prison and the Talibans were fucking heaven compared to this shithole", think St.Jagged, his inner - conscience and his Chinese, skinny, bla, bla, rickshaw pulling companion") call it what you want!

Years of incarceration have left ST.Jagged no choice, he must continue his "TRUTH CRUSADE", have a fucking wash, pay his skinny Chinese, half -starved, (well you all know by now) rid the planet of the maggots, find his Mrs. Jaggedone, shag his brains out, create tiny "Jaggedone's", teach them the TRUTH and repopulate the planet with tiny micro - organisms that spread the TRUTH, ignoring greed, materialism, politics, religion, globalism, global power, riches, egoism, wars, genocide, etc, bla, bla, bla.

Fuck me Jaggedone's, St.Jagged obviously had to much cheese to eat before he went to bed last night, nightmares and all that crap.

I've just woken up in a cold - sweat, touched the soft, beautiful skin of Mrs. Jaggedone, gone to the bog, peered out of my rain coated, sahara dusty window and convinced myself that it was all just a nightmare.

Turned on the telly tuned into Aljazeera Int. (shock, horror!!)

Fuck Me, was it really just a nightmare!!!

Sleep tight my maggoted ones and dream sweet dreams!