maandag 30 juni 2008

WAN-KING-DIK and his Merry ol attacking Buzzards

Life is full of bitchy surprises and this little story will prove my point.

Now you're all wondering what happened to the Chinese, half - starved, earthquake victim, broken rickshaw puller who showed that the world still needs good Samaritans and saved ST. Jagged from extinction (for you non - informed, global, and mega - million new readers of this crap, the Chinese, half starved, bla,bla, appeared out of one of St.Jagged's fata - morganas and has never been mentioned again, read MAGGOT Blog arseholes!!!).

Well he is alive and well and St.Jagged and his merry ol shaggers have adopted the Chinky, half starved (well you all know by now!) and gave him a name, a roof over his rickshaw, 10% of all earnings earnt, pulling rich, fat and very greasy tourists from A to fucking B, a clean bed (apart from one or two domestic pets, hygienic toilet with Euroshopper burn your arse toilet paper (unknown in China), 1 square meal a day, 4 x praying in the direction of the almighty Allah, holy carpet an all! Sex with a slit eyed prostitute once a year (we show all sentiments here towards homesickness hence the slit eyed prostitute, come pole dancer, stripper, and toilet lady, no costs spared at Jagged Edge Publications!).

He is also allowed to kiss St.Jagged's feet once a month, clean the horseless stables ("what the fuck are you on about St.Jagged," St Jagged's innerconscience awakes, reads the shit being written and confronts St.Jagged with a Samurai sword, Kill Bill massacre, a Kung Fu kick in the bollocks and a reminder that these blog pages are only for serious fucking matters a la George Bush, etc.) read THE SUN, THE MIRROR, THE DAILY EXPRESS and all the rest of those intellectual demanding dailies, and sleep for a luxurious 2 solid hours a day.

The half - starved (fuck off) has shown his appreciation of these more then comfortable and pleasant working conditions by expressing, on a daily basis, how much better it is in the Maggot World than his past existence. Working for Mao Tse Tung's government as a rickshaw driver in the Great Palace, pulling the rest of the fat, muvva fucking, Chinese communist leaders from their boudouirs to the dining room, to the marbled halls of parlament, to their concubines, to their fast food restaurants, back to their boudouirs for a quicky with one of their real wives and then back to bed for a 14 hour sleep. All of that on a payment of a bowl of cold, white, stodgy rice, two ex - communist chinese, over inflated yen (roughly 10 pence!) a kick in the crutch for the effort and once a year a shag with a soon to be slaughtered pig before it was devoured by the fatty, chinese, communist leaders for the Chinese new year (have things actually changed by the way?).

"St.Jagged you are a fucking humane person and should be recommended for the Nobel Peace Prize alongside Nelson ol boy, Muvva Teresa, Ghandi, Ronald Reagen, Tony Blair, Hitler, Stalin, Pinochet and last not least poor ol impeached Georgie Porgie".

"Innerconscience, fuck off."

Anyway the moral of this pathetic load of old crap is: Brad Pitt, Angela Jolie, Madonna, and all of the other wannabe do - gooders, fuck off. St.Jagged leads the way in adopting the poor, starved, aids infested, poverty stricken, earthquake, Tsunami, volcanic eruption, mass flooding, typhoon, monsoon, hurricane, innocent war refugee, victims.

His Chinese, half - starved, broken rickshaw puller has a home, a future, a clean (well nearly clean, shared by cockroaches and other exotic beasts, bed bugs etc.) bed, a more than generous 10% of all of his earnings, after taxes (collected by St.Jagged, of course) and last not least a passport with his very own name in it. After many discussions amongst the merry ol shaggers we came up with a very proud, Chinese traditional and very distinctive name for our half - starved (fuck off!) he is now a born again baptised worshipper (Christian of course, forced to convert from Islam after having to pray four times a day to Allah on his knees and he could not pull his rickshaw anymore, everybody say aah!) with the following name (no not fucking boy named Sue, great song Johnny "Man in Black" Cash):

WAN - KING - DIK pronounced in good ol Mandarinese "THANKKINDIK", St.Jagged fluently speaks 5000 regional versions of the Chinese language (clever bastard) including TAWAINESE ( dare to speak this version on the mainland and you could receive a 500 year prison sentence, 60,000 whiplashes, get your head chopped off by the local Mandarine Mayor in one, ice cold, foul swoop, or spend the rest of your life building Olympic stadiums for usage after the Shambolympics has left China so that the stadiums can be be converted to torture revolutionaries by running them over with military tanks, "thankyou Chile, Argentina and Brazil for the advice.")

St.Jagged was originally going to write about the dangers of jogging (or sport generally) through your local forests and getting attacked by Buzzards protecting their nesting babies, but I thought this story was too far fetched and far from the TRUTH (yes, that's what we tell here you know~!) and nobody would believe it, so I stuck to the real TRUTH!

St.Jagged and his new found slave (no coloured racist comments here, we are all one big, shiny, happy, human being family), WAN-KING-DIK and his earthquake damaged rickshaw wish you all a pleasant jog and beware of the Buzzards!



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