dinsdag 26 februari 2008

Brainwashed Brand Name Bullshit !

26.02.08 / Hey you muvva fucking marketing / advertising Guru's, this one is for you.

OK, firstly on the serious side, St. Jagged heard that a childrens home in Jersey has been the scene of non - stop child abuse since 4 decades or even longer, and only now have the authorities on Jersey decided to open the "can of worms" and let the public know the whole, disgusting, fucking, TRUTH!!!

It makes St. Jagged not only very angry, sick and sad for those who were and are still being abused, but also St. Jagged, if he had his way, would lock the perverted perbertrators of such despicable crimes for the rest of their fucking, pathetic, miserable and evil lives in a far off shore prison and treat them to some of the treatment that they have dished out to those poor, defenceless kids.

Lock them up, throw the keys away and make sure they never ever see the light of day again!

Sorry Jagged one's, I'know this is not funny, but just imagine, world - wide, how many innocents are being misused and abused on a daily basis in today's so -called "civilised and humane" world.

Fuck off, you perverts and go and get yourselves all castrated for the sake of humanity!!! And leave the most vulnerable in our societies to grow up in a normal fashion (rich and poor) so that they can have at least a chance of becoming half - decent human beings.

As for you politicians, judges, lawyers, police, youth / child societies, get your blind, fucking heads out of the sand and do what you are suppose to be payed for doing, protect these kids at all costs (well that would really be Utopia or Heaven, dream on St.Jagged!).

Back to the less "serious" side of today's mind blowing and very important news!

St.Jagged had the pleasure of watching his favourite morning news programme today, the BBC morning show (a right load of ol crap in other words!).

The Beeb (you all know by now what the Beeb is, ignorant Jagged arseholes!) showed a report about brand names, marketing, advertising and how the fuck it fucks up most young kids brains (did I say brains or that piece of dead crap sitting between their ears! yeh yeh, OK, we all know there are some kids out there who have not been affected by the daily tsunami of crap thrown at them by the global media, I'm not talking about them, clever arses!).

Anyway, there was an interview with two of these brain - dead thirteen year - olds and it went roughly like this:

"Na like, you know like, if we don't wear our designer labels like (for the older and slightly more educated amongst the St. Jagged fanclub the word LIKE is commonly used by ignorant, brain - damaged youths as a means of saying YOU KNOW LIKE, LIKE, WELL LIKE YOU KNOW, BLA BLA BLA) you know, then they all look at us like and you know like, we feel cheap like and not wanted, like lepers like, ok, you know like".

Then the other brain dead lassy gave her opinion of the problems of not having designer labels like, you know (oh fuck off St. Jagged the sickness is spreading, like!).

"Yeh, thats right like, you know, if I don''t wear my Nikes and Adidas like, they (who the fuck are they, the other fucking morons occupying the school playground or what!) all stare and insult me like, you know like".

By this time the reporter like, had reached desperation point and asked where do these girlies get all of their information like. (oh fuck off St. Jagged your just taking the piss!)

The first mega - intelligent girlie answered:

"Well , its like this like, television, internet, magazines, glossy fashion magazines like, you know like, I can read like (well lets say read the fucking pictures eh, "St Jagged youré becoming very sarcastic and cutting" St Jagged's inner conscience tries to calm him down!,) and I see all of them like, dressed like in those designer, brand name clothes like, and I must have em like".

"I tell my mum and dad, like (who's an even bigger fucking moron!) that I must have these clothes, you know like, and when I stamp my feet and scream the fucking house down, she like, buys em for me like, you know".

By now ST. Jagged was ripping his hair out (not much of that left either muvva fuckers!) listening to the youth of today about their mega problems regarding mobile phones, designer fucking labels, computer games, SMS (or texting in English) ing (not that type of SMS ing, kinky fuckers!), and the rest of the crap that guides our present crop of super brain -dead youth on their way forward to lead the world towards the future ("St. Jagged, who's a cutting bastard then, ha haa ha" St Jagged's inner conscience appears once more).

Back to the interview:

The reporter now down on her knees and not understanding a fucking word coming out of these imbeciles mouths asked, like (oops!):

"Are you two addicted on all of these shitty gadgets and designer labels, are they really so necessary for you in your daily life at school and whilst playing?"


"Playing, whats that like, you know, oh you mean sitting in front of the computer like, sending SMS's (text messages, for you foreign ol farts!) like, playing sadistic, brutal computer games like, talking for hours non - stop moronic bullshit on my moblie and that sort of thing like, you know, like."

Reporter answers: "No I mean playing sport, riding yor bikes, having fun in the park (paedophiles excluded) going out on a picknick with your beloved parents, etc".

Girlies answer: "what is that like, parents, oh them who give me all of that money, like, when I scream and shout and throw a tantrum, you know, like".

By this time the fucking reporter had asked for a straightjacket and politely demanded to be taken to the next available lunatic asylum, like!

Anyway, Jagged fans and haters the moral of this blog is:

Thankyou world - wide media marketing and advertising Guru's for throwing so much shit at our youth of today and turning them into a bunch of gormless, dead - brained consumers who have nothing else in their pea - pods (not I -Pods, arseholes) than your fucking designer shit and the necessary electronic gadgets that go with the package, and they are so far that they wouldn't be seen dead without them, THANKYOU ARSEHOLES!

St.Jagged could mention the word obesity within this blog, shock horror, like, you know, but I'll save that for another day. Firstly, my clean and pure Jagged followers you must deal with this subject and later we can blog about junk food, junk drinks and the rest of the shit that makes our youth overweight, shiny and happy, like you know, like (woof woof , I've just had my daily tin of Pal dog food, woof woof!).

So my beloved, trusty one's, I'm about to sign off for today like, but first I must put my MP3 on, you know, like, surf the net, like (no pornos, of course not, you dirty minded mob!) play a sadistic computer game, like, get pissed out of my brains, you know and put my lovely moronic children to bed (fuck off, if you believe that, you'll believe anything, like!).

St.Jagged is heading bee line for the church to repent his sins and join a distant far away from all modern day facilities, monastry and get pissed on heavenly alcohol, without having to endure TV, mod cons, ignorant youths, like and the rest of the modern crap (I was only joking, don't worry I'll be back to tell you more TRUTHS, don't worry, like, you know, like)

Greetings from ST. Jagged and his merry MP3!

maandag 18 februari 2008

Filthy Thoughts / 18.02.08

Hi Jagged one's, guess who's back, no not fucking Slim Shady but your one and only St.Jagged.

I bet when you read the title you all thought it was a kinky, sexual orientated blog, dirty minded muvva fuckers!!

No Jagged one's, as you all know St. Jagged was recently on his hols (holidays for all new morons who read this shit, oops, look above, there's plenty of that floating around in that hole!) and whilst St. Jagged had one of his voids on holiday he thought of all of the disgusting things that he and his fellow tourists have to suffer whilst attempting to reach his or their holiday destinations.

One of them just happened to be filthy, disgusting and dirty bogs!

Well trusty readers I cannot think of anything more fucking disgusting than bogs on filling up - stations, trains, airports, aeroplanes, public places, and all other places where thousands of people converge to release their natural needs (a lá crapping and pissing) whilst travelling, going out on the town, shopping in town centres, football games, rock concerts or any other mass public pastime where we are all forced to DO IT!

Stinking mens urinals, shitty, stained, bog seats used by millions of others, womens toilets, left over tampons, disease ridden and fithy places where we humans are forced to go about our natural business. We are all exposed to these disgusting places and all suffer the same indignity.

I cannot think of anything more awful than smelling the piss of millions of other men whilst relieving the pressure on my bladder and having to stand over a urinal filled with (uugh, aagh, sorry, I'm just about to puke!)

Why do we have to endure and suffer these horrid public places of filth and crap?

Why don't we all go on a world wide protest to demand clean hygienic places for human relief and why the fuck can't the people who manage and own these shitholes (literally speaking) get their heads our of their own fithy butts and employ some cleaners to do the shitty job!

St. Jagged would gladly pay a few pence for the assurance and pleasure of crapping in a clean bog - hole.

OK, OK, here in civilised Europe (Germany, Holland, UK (ha bloody ha), Norway, Sweden, etc) we can have the fortune to be confronted with reasonably clean bogs (if your'e very, very Iucky!).

When St.Jagged thinks about other places on the planet, he just freezes at the thought of going on holiday there. Indian and African public bogs, oh my fucking God! Arabian, Russian, and other eastern European countries, Italy, Spain, Greece, etc, just the thought of having the collie wobbles (diahrrea for the none Brits amongst you) in those places, oh hot and running shit!!

Don't they have any respect for one of the utmost, fundamental human requirements!!

Floods of stinking human wastage, used dirty bog paper, and other disgusting leftovers floating in these horrendous places, please help me, I just wanna stay home!!

Recently on TV pictures were shown of six million Chinese stuck at various train stations for days on end, just imagine how those places of human disgusting wastage looked like, they're bad enough in normal times!!

Think of the summer holidays when millions of tourists jump in their lovely air - conditioned coaches and travel to Spain. Italy or wherever and decide to unload their bottled - up wastage at motorway service stations.

The toilets remind you of sewer plants and stink no differently.

"Oh I feel so sorry for the ones that come behind us and have to endure our putrid, stinking wastage, hopefully I'm first on the bog, fuck the rest"!!

St.Jagged feels especially sorry for the female specimens of the human race in such circumstances, at least we men can piss in the fresh air and acidise the floor with rivers of alcholised pee. That's fucking luxury compared to standing in the queue behind 300 other females dying to drain their bowels on 3 toilets!! Fuck on you other male specimens, fresh air and no east winds blowing against us (otherwise pissy on the shoes!!).

Devoted Jagged readers I hope you are all not just about to start your dinners before reading this dastardly blog about shit and crap, etc! But I felt it was necessary to have a major rant about the state of public conveniences generally and the authorities or people that manage or own them.

St. Jagged forget to mention "public bathrooms in the USA"(Americans can and never will be able to speak correct English, TOILETS are what they're called, bastardisers of the English language!!) well I think there are a couple of famous Brits who are happy with the standards of male "Public Bathrooms"around the San Francisco area, fuck on George Michael, you really found your heaven on earth!!

Anyway to more serious matters, next time you mob are thinking about travelling to those places who don't give a shit (oops, sorry about the pun!) about their public places of necessary evils, think twice and join St. Jagged in Germany, Holland, Scandinavia or in those countries where such places are generally treated with at least a bit of respect.

St.Jagged has travelled enough and seen the shittiest of shit holes (excluding the shittiest of shit holes in Asia, Eastern Europe, although St.Jagged had a couple of revolting experiences in Yugolsavia once!!) where human beings leave their trails of excrement and other disgusting things and St.Jagged definitly doesn't want that anymore (oh fuck it, I'm going to a mega rock concert in Germany this year, oh well it's Germany, not to much German beer and bratwursts then! fuck on you Krauts!) so St.Jagged will be staying in safe waters and not up to his fucking neck in other peoples left - overs.

By the way, all you people who work in offices, factories and other such places, don't fucking forget to toilet brush those brown stripes away after releasing a load of canteen shit food!!

St.Jagged has just let a fart go and can feel something rumbling in his stomach, time to leave you beloved Jagged one's and make a bee line for my own, super - duper, hygienically clean bog.

Your poor muvva fuckers who have booked your sunshine holidays in far off uncivlised countries, beware of the truth (the truth, once more that mysterious word!) and crap in the open, if possible, otherwise the cockroaches might bite your poor muvva fucking arses off!!!

Stinky greetings from St.Jagged and his team of Merry farters

zondag 10 februari 2008

True Brit or Just Shit!

Well Jagged One's and all other jilted people who dare to read the bullshit on offer here at Jagged Edge Pubs, I'm back!! ("Well as far as I'm concerned you can fuck off back on holiday", thank you fans and worshippers, I luv you too! ) Thankyou my avid fans for such a positive reaction, but St.Jagged is determined to smother you all with the unsolicited TRUTH.

You can execute me, hang draw and quarter me, throw me to the lions, I don't care, St. Jagged will either in spirit or mind always be there to haunt your doubting, screwed up minds and blitz you with forbidden fruits called TRUTHS.

As you can see I am fresh back from my well earned vacation (thats American by the way, met plenty of them on the emerald island, pissed out of their minds on Guiness and whisky and louder than ever!) and full of new happenings and terrible truths.

One thing I did ponder over was being a "True Brit", the emerald island has suffered frequently at the hands of us "True Brits" and I had plenty of time to think about this subject, especially after being given the cold shoulder every time I proudly told an Irish person that I was English!

Strange reaction, after all we only hanged you muvva fuckers up on lamposts, forbade your gaelic language and roots, and murdered many of your peasents on the way, what is your problem!

Sorry my fellow Gaelics, I was only being bloody sarcastic, of course you have every right to hate our guts!

Anyway, without wishing to insult my Irish brothers and sisters any further, the time has come for St. Jagged to analyise the truth (oh my fucking god, that word keeps cropping up!) behind being proud to be a "True Brit".

St Jagged has pondered over the British, it's right to claim to be the centre of the universe, apostles of eveything right and good, to be true christian crusaders and constantly saving the planet, teaching the rest of the heathen world that "the British way is the only way" (ha bloody ha!), the right to defend our primal position in global politics and decision making, our superior successes in the world of global sport (well even ST.Jagged has to be sick on that one!!) etc, etc.

Holidays or vacations cause a philosophical void and St. Jagged had plenty of voids to put forward his thoughts about being a "True and very proud fucking Brit", here we go:

Since the beginning of civilised mankind GB (Great Britain for the less civilised amongst Jagged's superior readership) and its peoples have beeen conquering the world and spreading the good word about "British stiff upper lipness and it's class ruling society". We forced our philosophy on many suffering nations called British colonies and how proud they should have been to be part of the great British empire.

"Is that really something to be proud of", you're thinking.

OK lets ask all of the ex - colonies how they feel about that subject.

African countries, India, Australia, Canada, USA, etc.

Well India don't seem to be very happy, we slaughtered a couple of hundred thousands of their population, turned many of them into slaves, left them in turmoil, civil war and ripped their country apart. Stole many of their natural resources and riches on the way, and left nearly 3/4 of the population living under the poverty line, well thats something really to fucking proud of eh. fellow "True Brits"

Lets look at the African situation:

OK chaps, so fucking what, the Brits sold a couple of million slaves on to America, but they were just Negroes and uncivilised anyway, who gives a shit! By the way Holland, France, Belgium and the rest did the same too!

Ripped off many of the African countries natural resources, sent the blacks down the mines and to work the farms under inhumane conditions, well thats pretty cool!

Left many African states in the hands of even more wicked, evil, educated in British universities, dictators, to rip off their countries and their people even more, well we should all be proud of that now, shouldn't we?

We supply those African ex - colonies and their dictators with weapons to support the misery, starvation, slaughtering, Genocide, civil wars, etc and become even richer on the way. Good business Britain, thats something really to write in the history books!!!

"St. Jagged", I have a question (St. Jagged's inner conscience speaking), "are you beginning to feel less proud to be a True Brit".

"Fuck off inner conscience I'm not finished yet" answers an irritated St. Jagged.

OK, Australia, Canada, and the rest including the USA, well we only had a minor civil war in the Americas, got stuffed by the "Frogs" and left the continent to it's own devices, that was really cool, and the rest is history!

Australia you unappreciative bunch of macho morons, we taught you cricket and rugby, filled your continent with our criminals and slaughtered a couple of thousand of those Aboroginal, indigineous people for you, what more do you want. Locked them up in ghettos and gave you the rest, that's really fucking positive!

Now were really approaching the "proud to be a true Brit theory".

We fought off the Spanish, French and the rest who dared to try to piss up our trees.

Oh and that bunch of kilt wearing heathens north of the border (they really fucking love the English!) put them in their rightful place, sent them packing, hung, draw and quartered their beloved leaders and taught them a lesson in British stiff upper lipness.

Did the same on the emerald island (as mentioned above) left them with the IRA and protestant terrorist groups who have pathetically tried to take revenge by showering the English and rest of the world with IRA and protestant bombs, fuck off Ian Paisley, you fucking ignorant protestant preaching moron.

We abandoned them as a bunch of shiny happy Brit haters, apart from Ian and Co, hypocritical bastards.

"Being a proud "True Brit" is becoming slightly worn at the edge" (not Jagged) sighs St. Jagged.

Well there are always the two world wars left, thats when the Brits really came into their own.

OK, the British parlament at the time knew that the first world war would cost millions of innocent British soldiers lives, but they also knew that by being a "True Brit" it would be worth dying for in the trenches at the hands of German machine guns, tanks and mustard gas.

Fuck the Germans, and go and die for your king and country, so we did it. That I am really proud of, but not of the fucking "stiff upper lip generals, politicians and king" who staged the whole show and sent their brave soldiers off to their nonsensical and gruesome deaths.

Oh we have the small subject of Mr Hitler and Co.

First of all the Brits said OK to Adolf, we don't mind you being a wicked, evil, mass murdering dictator over there in good ol Germany, but don't dare to come near GB.

Adolf and his merry men stuck a couple of million jews in the gas chambers, slaughtered another couple of million innocent eastern Europeans on his infamous rise to fame, then and only fucking then did the Brits slap him on the wrists and said "Adolf, you are going slightly too far" in a stiff upper lip manner.

The rest is history, once again miliions of innocent British and their allied soldiers were sent to the slaughter.

St Jagged is once more proud to be a "true Brit" but only in the memory of those who laid down their lives in the name of freedom, and not for those morons who could have stopped the bloodshed before it started but decided to cohort and play with Adolf and his bunch of merry men.

Maybe there was a hidden agenda, who the fuck really knows!

Anyway, my pride has been re - established, but then came the Falkland farce, Maggie and Co. Save my political life at any cost, convince the world that the evil Argentians want to capture the world and are starting off on an island inhabited by pinguins, ex - pats, and a couple of mingy dogs.

Once again the innocents were sent to do the filthy work of the "stiff upper lip society" and barged the Argies back to where they fucking belong and Maggie was re - elected, what a coincidence!!

My pride has been totally restored and I am proud to be a "True Brit".

Oh please don't forget Tony and his marauding, mass murdering cowboy pal, "Georgie Boy".

Afghanistan and especially Iraq, Saddam, a country just about to launch an invasion on the rest of the civilised world. Armoured to the teeth with "WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION", shock, horror!!

Thankyou Tony and George from saving us from this fucking lunatic, replacing him with 60,000 more fucking lunatics and allowing, once again, innocent British soldiers and civilians to be slaughtered at the hands of these sadistical bunch of sick muslim terrorists.

I repeat, only the "True Brits" go out to lay their lives down in the cause of defending "stiff upper lipness and British supremacy", fuck on you "True Brits" and the bastards that send them there can go and get mega - stuffed!!

"St. Jagged, in all of your ranting, you forget to tell your avid readership about the British sporting, global achievements and how proud you are to be a "true supporter of Brit sport". (St. Jagged's inner conscience wakes up once more).

Now we are really going places, this is where the Brits come into their own and we can all be mega - proud!

"Lets think where we can start":

Olympics, oh yeah we've had our moments, rowing, running, BOWLS, (What the fuck is bowls!) etc, and what else?

Cricket, lovely cricket, we taught the rest of the world this most utter, utter boring sport of the rich and famous, won a couple of things but them Aussie morons always seem to come up trumps, FUCK OFF Australian cricketers and their fans!

Rugby, just like cricket, sport for the less intelligent, born with golden spoons in their mouths, sonny boys of the rich and famous, and again those fucking Aussies!!

Tennis, once upon a time, sport only for the "Stiff upper lippers", Brits haven't won a "dicky bird" since Henry the fucking Eigth chopped off Ann Boleyne's head after beating him at the royal game.

Ooops sorry Fred Perry! The one and only British male Wimbledon winner, and he was well known for his rather extreme right points of view! (proud of that one eehh!)

And now to our most beloved Saturday / Sunday pastime, watching a bunch of foreigners show the British public how to play the game correctly that we gave to the rest of the world, FOOTY.

Oh how many tales could I teel of great Britsh successes at our great, wonderful game of Football.

"St. Jagged, now you're really losing the plot" (Inner conscience kicks St. Jagged in the balls and tells him to get a fucking life!!)

World Cup wins 1, (bent goal given to us by a bent Russian referee who was blind, deaf, dumb, and drugged out of his fucking mind, and it was only against the ol enemy "our beloved Krauts", who gives a shit anyway!)

European Nations cup 0000! Wow that's really success!

Champions league, now weré really talking business!

OK in the greater picture of successs stories in world football, Britain stinks!!

I think I'd better stop this blog before I lose my pride and decide to be reborn as a Tibetan monk, then I can be really proud to be what I really am, fuck on Greg Rusedski!!

Well my Jagged one's, as you can read the holiday on the emerald island didn't do St. Jagged a lot of good after all. My British pride has been heavily dented and only the innocents who laid down their precious lives in the name of freedom and GB have kept my faith and pride alive in being a "TRUE BRIT".

Goodbye and God Shave the Queen, she ain't no human being. (Punk on Johnny!!)

St. Jagged

vrijdag 1 februari 2008

Time to Escape the madness

Well my Jagged, avid readers, unfortunately I have been forced to exile the country and go and enjoy an enforced holiday for a few days, what a shame.

St. Jagged is being forced out of the country by a strange ritual called carnaval, where "normal" people turn into a hoards of hideous, over the top pissed, clown look - alike, bunches of morons.

Driven on by detestable "shiny, happy" carnaval music, one beer and schnaps after the other, they encapture the centres of towns all over the place and turn them into one big orgy of plastic insanity!

This is too much for ST. Jagged and there is only one solution, to escape to an emerald island faraway from the instigated madness and chill big time.

This strange tradition has strong christian links so therefore our muslim immigrants amongst us should be totally and utterly banned from celebrating too, but obviously, tolerance always prevails and the muslims get time off of school and work just like the rest of the cannibal carnavalists to observe the strange processions and parades of these weird and very pissed out of their brains, drunken hoardes.

It would not do to not allow our islamic, immigrant colleagues of that very stringent religion not to participate in all of the madness especially when there are a couple of free days to be enjoyed!
I don't hear any of them complain about that, but I do here them vehemently complain if someone of a different religion criticises their religion and its leaders, Fuck on Salman Rushdie, Theo Van Gogh, and others who dare to say boo to a muslim.

Anyway lets not get to morbid amongst all of the insanity, lets all just FUCK OFF, to where there is none of it. Enjoy a quiet Guiness or two, look out across the atlantic towards the land of promise, sing along with a couple of celtic island folk songs and forget all of the totally insane left behind in their wicked clown costumes (see picture above). And may their hard earned hangovers last until the next christian based celebration, Easter (oh my God, who was crucified on the cross and was ressurected during those days then? Was it something to do with christianity, catholics, protestants and there religions too? Hopefully the muslims amongst us get their free holidays too, thoroughly deserved in our tolerant christian world, but don't dare have a pop at Allah or Muhammed, you might get your head removed and cause world - wide islamic protests, shame on you for being so tolerant!!!)

Well My beloved Jagged hanger on's, thats it for today, I'm off on holiday and I'll be back with lots of stories to tell about celtic crosses, pagan rituals, true Brits and Kelts, green valleys and hills of prisine beauty and plenty of their fucking booze to send me off to sleep, see you next week!

St. Jagged and his merry ol men and women.