Well Jagged One's and all other jilted people who dare to read the bullshit on offer here at Jagged Edge Pubs, I'm back!! ("Well as far as I'm concerned you can fuck off back on holiday", thank you fans and worshippers, I luv you too! ) Thankyou my avid fans for such a positive reaction, but St.Jagged is determined to smother you all with the unsolicited TRUTH.
You can execute me, hang draw and quarter me, throw me to the lions, I don't care, St. Jagged will either in spirit or mind always be there to haunt your doubting, screwed up minds and blitz you with forbidden fruits called TRUTHS.
As you can see I am fresh back from my well earned vacation (thats American by the way, met plenty of them on the emerald island, pissed out of their minds on Guiness and whisky and louder than ever!) and full of new happenings and terrible truths.
One thing I did ponder over was being a "True Brit", the emerald island has suffered frequently at the hands of us "True Brits" and I had plenty of time to think about this subject, especially after being given the cold shoulder every time I proudly told an Irish person that I was English!
Strange reaction, after all we only hanged you muvva fuckers up on lamposts, forbade your gaelic language and roots, and murdered many of your peasents on the way, what is your problem!
Sorry my fellow Gaelics, I was only being bloody sarcastic, of course you have every right to hate our guts!
Anyway, without wishing to insult my Irish brothers and sisters any further, the time has come for St. Jagged to analyise the truth (oh my fucking god, that word keeps cropping up!) behind being proud to be a "True Brit".
St Jagged has pondered over the British, it's right to claim to be the centre of the universe, apostles of eveything right and good, to be true christian crusaders and constantly saving the planet, teaching the rest of the heathen world that "the British way is the only way" (ha bloody ha!), the right to defend our primal position in global politics and decision making, our superior successes in the world of global sport (well even ST.Jagged has to be sick on that one!!) etc, etc.
Holidays or vacations cause a philosophical void and St. Jagged had plenty of voids to put forward his thoughts about being a "True and very proud fucking Brit", here we go:
Since the beginning of civilised mankind GB (Great Britain for the less civilised amongst Jagged's superior readership) and its peoples have beeen conquering the world and spreading the good word about "British stiff upper lipness and it's class ruling society". We forced our philosophy on many suffering nations called British colonies and how proud they should have been to be part of the great British empire.
"Is that really something to be proud of", you're thinking.
OK lets ask all of the ex - colonies how they feel about that subject.
African countries, India, Australia, Canada, USA, etc.
Well India don't seem to be very happy, we slaughtered a couple of hundred thousands of their population, turned many of them into slaves, left them in turmoil, civil war and ripped their country apart. Stole many of their natural resources and riches on the way, and left nearly 3/4 of the population living under the poverty line, well thats something really to fucking proud of eh. fellow "True Brits"
Lets look at the African situation:
OK chaps, so fucking what, the Brits sold a couple of million slaves on to America, but they were just Negroes and uncivilised anyway, who gives a shit! By the way Holland, France, Belgium and the rest did the same too!
Ripped off many of the African countries natural resources, sent the blacks down the mines and to work the farms under inhumane conditions, well thats pretty cool!
Left many African states in the hands of even more wicked, evil, educated in British universities, dictators, to rip off their countries and their people even more, well we should all be proud of that now, shouldn't we?
We supply those African ex - colonies and their dictators with weapons to support the misery, starvation, slaughtering, Genocide, civil wars, etc and become even richer on the way. Good business Britain, thats something really to write in the history books!!!
"St. Jagged", I have a question (St. Jagged's inner conscience speaking), "are you beginning to feel less proud to be a True Brit".
"Fuck off inner conscience I'm not finished yet" answers an irritated St. Jagged.
OK, Australia, Canada, and the rest including the USA, well we only had a minor civil war in the Americas, got stuffed by the "Frogs" and left the continent to it's own devices, that was really cool, and the rest is history!
Australia you unappreciative bunch of macho morons, we taught you cricket and rugby, filled your continent with our criminals and slaughtered a couple of thousand of those Aboroginal, indigineous people for you, what more do you want. Locked them up in ghettos and gave you the rest, that's really fucking positive!
Now were really approaching the "proud to be a true Brit theory".
We fought off the Spanish, French and the rest who dared to try to piss up our trees.
Oh and that bunch of kilt wearing heathens north of the border (they really fucking love the English!) put them in their rightful place, sent them packing, hung, draw and quartered their beloved leaders and taught them a lesson in British stiff upper lipness.
Did the same on the emerald island (as mentioned above) left them with the IRA and protestant terrorist groups who have pathetically tried to take revenge by showering the English and rest of the world with IRA and protestant bombs, fuck off Ian Paisley, you fucking ignorant protestant preaching moron.
We abandoned them as a bunch of shiny happy Brit haters, apart from Ian and Co, hypocritical bastards.
"Being a proud "True Brit" is becoming slightly worn at the edge" (not Jagged) sighs St. Jagged.
Well there are always the two world wars left, thats when the Brits really came into their own.
OK, the British parlament at the time knew that the first world war would cost millions of innocent British soldiers lives, but they also knew that by being a "True Brit" it would be worth dying for in the trenches at the hands of German machine guns, tanks and mustard gas.
Fuck the Germans, and go and die for your king and country, so we did it. That I am really proud of, but not of the fucking "stiff upper lip generals, politicians and king" who staged the whole show and sent their brave soldiers off to their nonsensical and gruesome deaths.
Oh we have the small subject of Mr Hitler and Co.
First of all the Brits said OK to Adolf, we don't mind you being a wicked, evil, mass murdering dictator over there in good ol Germany, but don't dare to come near GB.
Adolf and his merry men stuck a couple of million jews in the gas chambers, slaughtered another couple of million innocent eastern Europeans on his infamous rise to fame, then and only fucking then did the Brits slap him on the wrists and said "Adolf, you are going slightly too far" in a stiff upper lip manner.
The rest is history, once again miliions of innocent British and their allied soldiers were sent to the slaughter.
St Jagged is once more proud to be a "true Brit" but only in the memory of those who laid down their lives in the name of freedom, and not for those morons who could have stopped the bloodshed before it started but decided to cohort and play with Adolf and his bunch of merry men.
Maybe there was a hidden agenda, who the fuck really knows!
Anyway, my pride has been re - established, but then came the Falkland farce, Maggie and Co. Save my political life at any cost, convince the world that the evil Argentians want to capture the world and are starting off on an island inhabited by pinguins, ex - pats, and a couple of mingy dogs.
Once again the innocents were sent to do the filthy work of the "stiff upper lip society" and barged the Argies back to where they fucking belong and Maggie was re - elected, what a coincidence!!
My pride has been totally restored and I am proud to be a "True Brit".
Oh please don't forget Tony and his marauding, mass murdering cowboy pal, "Georgie Boy".
Afghanistan and especially Iraq, Saddam, a country just about to launch an invasion on the rest of the civilised world. Armoured to the teeth with "WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION", shock, horror!!
Thankyou Tony and George from saving us from this fucking lunatic, replacing him with 60,000 more fucking lunatics and allowing, once again, innocent British soldiers and civilians to be slaughtered at the hands of these sadistical bunch of sick muslim terrorists.
I repeat, only the "True Brits" go out to lay their lives down in the cause of defending "stiff upper lipness and British supremacy", fuck on you "True Brits" and the bastards that send them there can go and get mega - stuffed!!
"St. Jagged, in all of your ranting, you forget to tell your avid readership about the British sporting, global achievements and how proud you are to be a "true supporter of Brit sport". (St. Jagged's inner conscience wakes up once more).
Now we are really going places, this is where the Brits come into their own and we can all be mega - proud!
"Lets think where we can start":
Olympics, oh yeah we've had our moments, rowing, running, BOWLS, (What the fuck is bowls!) etc, and what else?
Cricket, lovely cricket, we taught the rest of the world this most utter, utter boring sport of the rich and famous, won a couple of things but them Aussie morons always seem to come up trumps, FUCK OFF Australian cricketers and their fans!
Rugby, just like cricket, sport for the less intelligent, born with golden spoons in their mouths, sonny boys of the rich and famous, and again those fucking Aussies!!
Tennis, once upon a time, sport only for the "Stiff upper lippers", Brits haven't won a "dicky bird" since Henry the fucking Eigth chopped off Ann Boleyne's head after beating him at the royal game.
Ooops sorry Fred Perry! The one and only British male Wimbledon winner, and he was well known for his rather extreme right points of view! (proud of that one eehh!)
And now to our most beloved Saturday / Sunday pastime, watching a bunch of foreigners show the British public how to play the game correctly that we gave to the rest of the world, FOOTY.
Oh how many tales could I teel of great Britsh successes at our great, wonderful game of Football.
"St. Jagged, now you're really losing the plot" (Inner conscience kicks St. Jagged in the balls and tells him to get a fucking life!!)
World Cup wins 1, (bent goal given to us by a bent Russian referee who was blind, deaf, dumb, and drugged out of his fucking mind, and it was only against the ol enemy "our beloved Krauts", who gives a shit anyway!)
European Nations cup 0000! Wow that's really success!
Champions league, now weré really talking business!
OK in the greater picture of successs stories in world football, Britain stinks!!
I think I'd better stop this blog before I lose my pride and decide to be reborn as a Tibetan monk, then I can be really proud to be what I really am, fuck on Greg Rusedski!!
Well my Jagged one's, as you can read the holiday on the emerald island didn't do St. Jagged a lot of good after all. My British pride has been heavily dented and only the innocents who laid down their precious lives in the name of freedom and GB have kept my faith and pride alive in being a "TRUE BRIT".
Goodbye and God Shave the Queen, she ain't no human being. (Punk on Johnny!!)