maandag 27 april 2009

Talibans, Mopeds, Kilts and Afro Style Boat People, whatever fucking next?

You've all missed me, aagh, nevermind St.Jagged's back once more from his universal cyber travels spoofing it up with a load of demented, braindamaged, satirical maniacs over on the ($200.000 advertising costs, The Spoof please send cheque or credit card details to St.Jagged c/o Lehman Bros, in a seething, stinking sewer pipe underneath Wallstreet, NY, USA, recently renamed Barack Obama's Holiday Home, Black as Black, Whiter than White U-nited S-lave A-rmy).

We've had non - corrupt (my arse!) elections in India and Zuid Afrika (Zulu-land for the ignorant amongst you), invasions of Pakistan by the Taliban wishing to seek a new homeland because they're sick of living in caves and driving their mopeds over mountains whilst keeping the modern, armed with weapons of destruction, allies at bay with their sophisticated weaponery, baseballbats, ancient first world war enfield rifles and sharp scissors for cutting the balls off of their unfortunate prisoners of war!

OK, OK, lets give the "muy pobres" a mention, they know you're there but the world powers would just prefer to ignore you, hope you all perish in another useless civil war (very important, they have to sell their weapons to someone!) and just let the modern world develop on its own without them trying to enter it illegally (boat people, fuck me, shoot the muvva fuckers or feed them to the white sharks!) and sponge off of their welfare systems! Whatever next, renicarnate Jesus!!

China, well the'ye just offered to buy Scotland (St.Jagged has just had to calm his ol hardening WAN-KIN-DIK down because he thought him being a Chink himself, could wear a kilt, get pissed on Scotch everynight and tell ol St.Jagged in perfect Scottish to "fuck off Laddie," dream on WAN-KIN-DIK before you become a Scottish/Chink St. Jagged would rather cut your sad balls off and eat them instead of Haggis!), Wales and Iceland, turn them into their colonies, drink their whisky, save their banks, hot geysers and turn them all into luxury holiday camps for the next generation of multi - millionaire Chinks who need a bit of R & R.

Well Jaggedone's, StJagged could write books about the shit going down and St.Jagged didn't even mention Israel or the Nazi's, next time maybe!

Good news was also available this week, a strange German couple dumped their kids in an Italien pizza restaurant, run off and left their Bambinos in the arms of a huge Italien "Big Mamma." "Good news you all cry," well Jaggedone's the bambinos are a lot better off with the huge Italien Mamma than being stuck with their junked up, stoned, alcoholic and very sad parents, fuck on Italien "Big Mammas" they really know what it's like to be real parents!

St.Jagged is cybering back and forward between his "Spoof" nutter colleagues for a short session of complete and utter madness and British insanity, and will be back very soon for more updates of misery, shit hitting the fans and happy abandoned Bambinos in the arms of real "Big Italien Mammas" laughing, smiling and enjoying a bit of love, care and affection which every Bambino needs (soft arse St.Jagged!!)!

Arrivederci and chou bambinos from St.Jagged and his homophobic, dressed in a kilt, Chink/Scot very hard, WAN-KIN-DIK!!! Hoots Man!

donderdag 16 april 2009

Flirting with the competition!

Yes, Jaggedone's, ol fart, wannabee St.Jagged has been flirting with his competitiors for the right to be the Nr1 satirical site on the planet, internet, universe and even further afield (aliens fucking love St.Jagged and his ol WAN-KIN-DIK), no not Aljazeera Int, they are no competition for St.Jagged and his mighty "Truth" crusades, I mean the Spoofy ones over on!

If you can't fucking beat them, join them and St.Jagged has been sucked into their writers list offering satire at it's most fabulous and certainly nothing to do with the "TRUTH," just complete and utter bullshit! (as usual)

Anyway my devoted Jaggedone's, do not fear St.Jagged will never abandon his devoted readers (morons!) his half dead, swimming up - side - down goldfish, scabby with rabies afflicted dog and last not least, fed on pyrannahs cat called RAZOR TEETH, RAZOR SHARP PUSSY LICKER!

St.Jagged is secretly hoping to reach global popularity within 6 weeks similair to Brad Pitt (St.Jagged is prettier than Brad and Angela will certainly fall for the Elephantman lookalike once she discovers my innerconscience, fuck off innerconscience, Angelas mine!). He is currently sweeping every spoof writer aside in the popularity rankings and will soon be on his 50 million dollar contract writing a weekly column for that other fab, full of shit publication called THE SUN or THE MIRROR or THE TIMES (all owned by mega - rich Ricahrd Murdoch and all full of crap!)

Fuck me, whatever next, mansions in Hollywood, Gstaad, Berchtesgarten (Adolf and his Nazi followers beware, St.Jagged wird kommen! Deutsch for beginners, Sieg Heil and all of that!) NY, London, Milan, you name it, St.Jagged will be there and then the "TRUTH" will really begin to shake the muvva fucking world by its foundations a lá Italien earthquakes!

Oh St.Jagged forgot his ol Chinese down and out, WAN-KIN-DIK on this road to fame and fortune; fuck him, send him back to earthquake destroyed Chinky land with his cohones between his miserable, skinny, yellowy rickshaw pulling legs and don't even pay his fare, wicked St.Jagged, aaahh muy pobre slave, my ol WAN-KIN-DIK.
"St.Jagged, St.Jagged wake the fuck up, you're covered in cold sweat and ol WAN-KIN-DIK is sobbing his sorry slit eyes out because he heard you in your nightmare saying you would send him back to that non - corrupt, financially melted down shithole called China." St.Jagged's innerconscience saves the day once more and kicks the shit out of St.Jaggeds demented brain cells, throws ice cold water over his throbbing forehead (and WAN-KIN-DIK!) and St.Jagged awakens with 500000 decibles ringing between his wax filled ears (Slipknot on his MP3).

"Fuck me St.Jagged sighs, what a fucking nightmare that was," "St.Jagged rich and famous, mixing it with the high and mighty, never in a million years would ol St.Jagged abandon his Pyscho - socialist views, abandon his devoted Jaggedone's, "THE TRUTH CRUSADES," and especially not his ol throbbing, sobbing, WAN-KIN-DIK!"

St.Jagged's innerconscience peeps in, "but that bit shagging my balls off with Angela was quite pleasant wasn't it." "Fuck off innerconscience, Angela's mine!!!"

See you all soon from the very stiff WAN-KIN-DIK, innerconscience and St.Jagged of course, he was just SPOOFING around you know!!

woensdag 8 april 2009

Spoofs, more Spoofs and even more SPOOFS!!!

You lucky bastards! St.Jagged back with a new masterpiece within a day, miracles will never cease and certainly no respite in the jagged mind of the greatest Pyscho - Socialite to wander the great cyber paths on planet internet. "St.Jagged you are just full of shit that's all, give your merry ol Jaggedone's a rest from your incessant bullshit and bollocking TRUTH crusades" St.Jagged's innerconscience awakes with a mighty crap hangover after a night boozing, shagging, whoring with the delicious "Ladies of the night" left behind after the retreat of our fab G20 leaders and their entourages. St.Jagged's innerconscience took this superb opportunity to have a leacherous, debauched night out with the Ladies, cheap rates and cheap booze on offer after our fabulous G20 teams had lined the pockets and G strings of our lovely Ladies with mega loads of taxpayers bucks!!

No, no, no, Jaggedone's, you've guessed wrong, only a short bulletin this time to announce a fab link for all of you twisted, sadistic, cynical, satirical muvva fucking millions who read the very demented, evil and TRUTHFUL (what the fuck does that mean!) thoughts of ol St.Jagged, WAN-KIN-DIK and the rest of his evil entourage.

The gentlemen over there put the fab on their list of readable, debauched, funny and rude satirical sites and ST.Jagged in his gratitude reversed the honour: Thanks readers of "The Spoof" the Spoof team and hopefully we can all continue arm in arm in our crusades of satirical storytelling targeting the sad state of our fabulous blue planet and its human inhabitants!

Aufwiedersehen, Adios, Goodbye from St.Jagged and his never - ending, forever hard -y WAN-KIN-DIK!

dinsdag 7 april 2009

The good, The fat VIP's and The downright EVIL and UGLY!,

OK, OK, St.Jagged knows what you're all thinking, "here he goes again ranting on about the world, the crap human race and it's evil doings." Well fuck me you're all right!!

G20, VIP meeting of the foremost world leaders and their entourages, telling us all how they are going to solve the massive problems of the planet, bollocks!

The whole bamboozle cost more in security, banquets and high - brow meetings than the annual GDP of an African corrupt shithole fighting for the most basic necessities and amenities. Maybe our fab G20 leaders should have had their meeting in the middle of the Somalian desert, rented a VIP tent from King Abdullah the desert king (who?) and donated the costs of holding their fab party in London to the refugee camps, their inhabitors, medical staff , impoverished, starving children and local charity workers.

Now that would really be a sign of fucking HELP!!!!

"St.Jagged, arsehole, on what planet do you actually live, Utopia." (no we've had that one before in a majestic blog from the one and only imperial St.Jagged and his ol WAN-KIN-DIK!) St.Jagged's desert - ed innerconscience wakes up, kicks St.Jagged in his massive camel cohones, filled with desert goats milk, frying in the the midday sun and curdling into desert goats cheese before ol WAN-KIN-DIK has a chance to milk his master in the burning, unrelenting midday sun in the middle of a Maroccan desert somewhere between Somalia, Mekka (where?) and the hardening wax between his filthy earholes!

Anyway our fab leaders all went home in their luxury private limousines and mega large Jets (more fucking costs and money not meant for the poor ol "muy pobre" refugees somewhere in Ethiopia, Zimbabwe, Somalia or some other crap hole in mighty, corrupt Africa!) after telling us all how concerned and really fabulous they all are. We obviously all believed them and their empty words (except the cynical bastard St.Jagged and a couple of thousand protestors not allowed within a five mile radius of the great G20 VIP party!) knowing truthfully (what's that?) that life will still continue in it's rapidly increasing misery for the "muy pobres" caught up in the shitholes of Africa, South America, Asia and dare St.Jagged mention it, the good ol once fabulous US of America.

Fuck on you "muy Pobres" if St.Jagged ruled the world he'd sack the muvva fuckers and their fancy entourages, put some real effort and finance into solving the global miseries and have his next VIP G20 party in, no, no muvva fuckers, not in the deserts of my mind arseholes, but in a ******* star hotel in the most noble of noble Dubai, sipping the finest oak whiskies, dining at the finest ***** star restaurants, shagging the most beautiful "ladies of the night" and not giving a fuck about the rest of the world!! (don't worry, only kidding Jaggedone's, it was just a figment of my sometimes very evil imagination, St.Jagged is really an envoy of the true God (who?) and sometimes instead, wished he was the global envoy of the one and only SATANIC MASTER so he could also enjoy the things that our fabulous G20 leaders enjoy!).

Anyway back to reality: St.Jagged is about to unleash another epic tale of the good, the bad and the really fucking ugly!

On his way back from his lonely desert crusades with only his faithful servant WAN-KIN-DIK to keep him company, St.Jagged decided in the future not be so cynical, sarcastic and downright fucking rude. ST.Jagged has turned over a new leaf, left his cynical/satirical past behind him and will blog only about the wonders of nature (i.e. Blue Whales, Giant Condors, etc, etc).

St.Jagged is sick to death of the human miseries that rage upon our planet and will spend his time in the local "Loony Bin" dedicating his fabulous blogs to those beings who really deserve a mention, nature and it's wonders!

"Fuck off St.Jagged," oops, ol innerconscience has just woken up again at the shock waves of yet another Italien earthquake, kicked St.Jagged in his merry ol WAN-KIN-DIK, told him too, "get a fucking life, forget nature and it's wonders, tell the fucking "TRUTH" and do the job he is payed for and suppose to be doing i.e. Kicking the shit out of our wonderful, corrupt leaders, their entourages, the shitheads who vote for them and last not least the corrupt muvva fuckers who sponge off of our fabulous, democratic free system by spiralling the world into a financial crisis whilst stuffing their own bank accounts and pockets full on the way!"

Jaggedone's, enough ranting for today, St.Jagged wil leave you all with the thought for today:

Life is an eternal struggle, life can certainly be a bitch and wicked but it can also be wonderful. Today St.Jagged heard the birds singing, observed the fluffy blue clouds sailing past, watched the soldier ants labouring willingly for their queen, listened to the beautiful waves caressing the untouched, pristine shores of uninhabited islands, saw a man stroke his best friend, his dog, and laughed as the unknowing cat chased his tail, etc, LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL IF WE COULD ONLY SEE IT!

St.Jagged will be back with his sunburned and very dry WAN-KIN-DIK, telling new adventures and epic tales leading us "all" to the TRUTH ( all = his shabby dog, mingy cat, half starved, swimming on his back, goldfish, and stinking turd stuck to the heels of his worn out BOVVER BOOTS!) Adios Amigos